Stupid Cupid Speed of Life
by Bombshell1701
Summary: A companion piece to "Speed of Life"- this time it's Hawkeye's adventures in speed dating! Helps to have read at least ch 1 of "Speed of Life". Rated T for some adult concepts. Author's notes at the end of some chapters. Feedback always appreciated!
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note: I had such terrific feedback on _Speed of Life_ that I decided to write up Clint's version of the events. It helps to have read that fic first, or at least the first chapter. Anyway, Clint is way more chatty than Steve, so, enjoy!_

**Clint vs. Lola the Hipster**

"Nice to meet you, I'm Clint."

"Uh huh. Lola" she drawled, looking Clint up and down. Clint leaned forward to shake her hand. She raised an eyebrow at him, and slowly extended a hand. "Formal, aren't we?" she muttered.

"Okay" Clint sighed, immediately disliking Lola and her lensless hipster glasses.

"Were you named after Clint Eastwood, Clint?" Lola asked with subtle contempt.

"Yes, ma'am I was." Clint said evenly.  
"_Ma'am_…" Lola repeated, trying the word on for size. "Military chic"

"Something like that. What would you prefer I call you?"

"Lola will be fine" she smirked.

"L-O-L-A, Lola, Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-la" Clint sang.

Lola rolled her eyes "Like I've never heard that before."

Clint gave a hum of agreement, and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

He peered penetratingly at Lola.  
She stared back defiantly. "So, what do you do?"

"Government assassin." Clint said casually.

"Oh, classy!" she sneered, making a face.

Clint chuckled quietly and shrugged. "And how's your organic grocery business going?"

Lola looked at Clint like he was an idiot.

"Bikram yoga instructor?" he guessed. "No, that was _so_ last month. Uh... vegan food co-op? Am I getting warmer?" Clint hazarded.

Lola gave him a smile that was dripping with sarcasm. "Oh, you think you've got me pegged, don't you, Dirty_ Harry_."

Clint laughed sardonically.

"Vintage. Clothing." she enunciated proudly.

"Vintage Clothing!" Clint repeated. "I was close!"

"Not really."

"So. Vintage huh? _Old stuff_... Hey, you're in for a treat, there's a guy you'll meet soon, he's about as vintage as you can get. You could probably sell him in your boutique, actually. Make a fortune!"

Lola looked at Clint like he was crazy. "You've got a sick sense of humour." she complained.

"And you have crap taste in glasses."

Lola glared at him.

"We done?" Clint asked.

"Yes." Lola said coldly.

"Good. I'm gonna go wait in the hallway."

"Please do."

Clint stood and walked out "Have fun growing out your hair, you trust-fund hipster."

"You're going to be standing in that hallway all night, jerk!" Lola shot back.


	2. Sophie is clearly delusional

**Clint vs. Sophie the Complainer**

_Clint's side of the story-_

**Date number:**  
#3 Sophie

**First impressions:**  
Tiny little lady. Pretty eyes. Very intense gaze. Frown lines.

**Things in common:**  
Wow, not much. I would have to dislike myself a lot to be on par with this one.

**Did she make me laugh?**  
Hell no. Made me want to stab my ears out though. That's a talent.

**Did I make her laugh?**  
I wish, if only to get her to stop bitching about her parents for three seconds. Or her goddamn ex-boyfriend. Yeesh.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
NO. I feel EXHAUSTED.

**Overall impression:**  
This lady needs: Therapy. Anger Management. To move out of home, preferably to another country. And to please not ever speed date again. Ever.

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
Only through cross-hairs on my bow. Just kidding.

_Sophie's side of the story-_

**Date number:**  
#2 Clint

**First impressions:**  
Very nicely dressed. Kinda looks like a garden gnome, but a cute garden gnome. Not like the ugly ones my Mom buys.

**Things in common:**  
Empathy, values, trust. I see that easily in him. He's a really good listener like me, too.

**Did he make me laugh?**  
We were talking too seriously for that kind of silliness. He's serious, he's real. I like that.

**Did I make him laugh?**  
No, but I wasn't trying to be funny. I'm a real person. I think he saw that.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
Yes, I think he really got me. Unlike my douche bag of an ex-boyfriend who never listened. Never, ever bothered. This guy, I see it in his eyes.

**Overall impression:**  
Really cute, a real gentleman. Smart, kind-hearted. Great listener. Unlike the ex.

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
Absolutely. I feel like I could talk to him for hours about anything.


	3. Mean Girls have no sense of humour

**Clint vs. Sherrie, the Mean Girl**

"I'm a flight attendant." Clint said.

Sherrie looked like she really didn't know how to react to this news. "That's an unusual job for a... man."

"I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am straight." Clint said dryly.

"Right." Sherrie drawled, unconvinced. "I wondered why you were so well-dressed."

"Nah. I'm not really a flight attendant. I'm actually a government assassin." Clint said with a small grin. "You like that better?"

Sherrie looked at him, bemused. "Not really"

"I thought it was kinda' funny." Clint said with a shrug.

"Why?" Sherrie said, perfectly unamused.

Clint sighed.

"So what do you really do for a living?"

"Oh, I really am an assassin. I just don't work for the government. Or any major airline." Clint said casually.

"Okay. That's weird..." Sherrie said frowning. "Are you giving this weirdness to all the girls, or am I just lucky and special?"

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Clint asked seriously.

"Yes."

"Do you like it?"

"No."

"Then why don't you tell me a little about yourself?" Clint ventured.

"I'm not sure I want to." Sherrie said, frowning.

… … …

_Author's note: I meant to put a note at the end of "The Hipster" – feel bad because the line about Steve being vintage, and Lola being able to sell him at her shop actually came from a reader, in some PM's we were sharing. I wanted to give her credit, but I can't remember who the idea came from *blushes* I'm really sorry about that, please put your hand up- you deserve mad props! _


	4. The Crying Game

**Clint and Tammy – the brokenhearted**

"Are you crying? Was he really that bad?"

Tammy gave a watery chuckle." No, no, not at all, he was... he was just really nice to me."

Clint moved into the room and sat in the seat Steve had just vacated. "But you _have_ been crying?"

Tammy nodded. "I have a bit of a broken heart, and he let me cry it out." She looked chagrined. "On his shoulder. For the whole time he was in here."

"Wow" Clint said. "That's not the usual reaction women have around him."

Tammy shrugged. Clint studied her. "Can I give you some advice?"

"Sure."

"If someone broke your heart, you need to get revenge." Clint said plainly.

Tammy looked shocked at this suggestion, so Clint continued. "Best way to do that? Be awesome. Seriously. Get out in the world and do everything you ever wanted to do, but held back on because of that person. If you want to travel, then travel- and that's something I highly recommend. If you want to start your own business, find a way to do it. If you want to cut your hair short and dye it pink, hell, why not?

Tammy's lip was quivering, but she was trying hard to contain herself. Clint patted her on the hand.

"Live your life on your own terms. And most importantly- don't give that douchbag another thought. He's not worth another second of your time."

Tammy nodded, but her thin veneer of control crumbled and the tears started falling again.

"C'mere" Clint said, putting his arm around her. For the second time that night she cried on a strange man's shoulder.

As awkward as it was, Clint decided that it wasn't the worst experience he'd had thus far. He still liked her way better than the Hipster.

… … …

_Author's notes: There was a lot of speculation on how Clint would handle a crying woman. He is, of course, a gentleman. And his advice is great, don't you think? Thanks for reading!_


	5. The Energizer Bunny

_(Lots of testicle jokes in this one. Thanks, Clint!)_

**Clint vs. The Energizer Bunny**

_Bunny's views on Clint:_

**First impressions:**  
Dressed for success. Makes direct eye contact, good. Handshake needs work.

**Things in common:**  
Hard to say. He isn't giving me much to work with.

**Did he make me laugh?**  
I believe he was trying to, but that kind of adolescent toilet humour is not impressive.

**Did I make him laugh?**  
Irrelevant.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
Clearly he's not taking this seriously. What does he expect to gain if he isn't going to make an effort?

**Overall impression:**  
Blonde hair and blue eyes may be aesthetically pleasing to some people, but clearly it's all recessed genes with this man.

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
And waste _another _6 minutes?

_Clint's views on Bunny:_

**First impressions:**  
I believe this one suffers from what's commonly known as 'bitch face'- not unlike Posh Spice. Or Maria Hill

**Things in common:**  
I believe she may also have a Beretta in an ankle holster. Or maybe down the front of her pants?

**Did she make me laugh?**  
Hysterically.

**Did I make her laugh?**  
I think she had her sense of humour removed when she had her testicles removed.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
In the same kind of way I felt to that Somali warlord. The one who strapped electrodes to my balls and tortured me for three days.

**Overall impression:**  
I feel like this is an episode of Scooby Doo, I'm Shaggy, and if I ripped off her mask, she'd secretly turn out to be Maria Hill.

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
I would rather give Hulk a pedicure.


	6. She's crafty, she gets around

**Clint vs. Emily the Minx**

"Wow, I feel like I've just been interrogated by the CIA" Clint said.

"The woman in the grey suit? Yeah I saw her coming in, she looked like trouble."

"You are not kidding. I mean, I don't mind trouble, but she was the wrong kind."

Emily smiled slowly. "And what is the _right_ kind of trouble."

"Well, I'm guessing five-feet-five, with dark hair and a blouse with one hell of a neckline." Clint said smoothly, running his eyes over Emily appreciatively.

She preened a little under his attentions.

"So, seeing as I have been so rudely grilled recently, how about we talk all about you?" Clint ventured.

"Sure." Emily said "Fire away."

"Okay... so what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a casting director for a talent agency."

"Nice. Am I auditioning?" Clint asked. "Do you want me to memorise lines, or are we going to skip straight to the casting couch?"

Emily laughed heartily at that, her breasts jiggling enthusiastically. Clint didn't even bother to tear his eyes away, because he knew he really didn't have to.

"You're a front-runner for the role of the love interest." Emily implied.

"Oh, good. When do we start rehearsals?"

"Right now!" Emily said, laughing again. "Okay... what else?"

"Uhh..." Clint racked his brain for something cheeky and creative. "Weirdest place you've ever had sex?"

"Wow, you go right to it, don't you? I like that. It's honest" Emily said, impressed and not the slightest bit uncomfortable. "Hm... I would have to say, in a rowboat under the Golden Gate Bridge, in the middle of winter."

"Wow!" Clint intoned. "That's audacious, and possibly very uncomfortable?"

"It was ridiculous. Don't ever try it, trust me."

"I'm filling that one away." Clint said, grinning. He rubbed his hands together. "Here's a killer- best sex you've ever had?"

Emily thought for a moment and then laughed. "If I tell you, you won't believe me."  
"Try me" Clint dared.

"Tony Stark."

Clint choked out a laugh. "Tony Stark? For serious? When?"

"Oh, ages ago, like five or six years? I was in LA for work, and I met him in a club... this was back in the day, of course, when he was a real ladies' man- before the whole _Iron Man_ thing, and before he settled for his secretary."

"Personal assistant" Clint corrected. "She's his PA."

"PA, secretary... you know what I mean."

Having met Pepper Potts, and knowing what a complete and total sweetheart she was, he didn't really think of her as someone a guy 'settled' for. But he wasn't going to mention this to Emily, seeing as she was about to dish the dirt on Stark. "Go on..." he encouraged.

"Well, see... I met him, and he starts buying me and pretty much every other woman in the room drinks. And after an hour or so, he takes me and this other chick back to his place in Santa Monica... and... yeah. That man did some dirty, sexy, crazy stuff to us. All night. It was spectacular. And I'm not usually into threesomes, but ever since then..."

Clint's eyebrows were threatening to disappear into his hairline. "That's one hell of a story." he managed to say.

Emily looked smug. "Hm" she hummed in agreement.

"So, please don't ask me to follow it up, because I got nothing!" he said, making a gesture of surrender with his hands.

"Oh, I don't believe that for a minute" Emily said coyly. "A fox like you? I bet you've got all sorts of dirty stories filed away."

Clint laughed openly. "Well, now... I suppose I could tell you about this crazy weekend I had last year in Budapest..."

… … …

_Author's notes: HA! Hahaha! You see what I did there? Make of it what you will. And NO! I am NOT writing Budapest! MAD PROPS to Marie Nomad, who offered up the suggestion of someone who slept with Tony Stark and boasts about it. Gold! Thanks for reading._


	7. The Ladies' Man

**Clint and Karen, the _-American_ Gal**

Clint entered the room to find a young woman who looked very bemused. He introduced himself and sat. "Having a good night?" he ventured.

Karen laughed lightly. "I'm meeting some uh... very _different_ people, that's for sure."

"The tall, blonde guy just before me, by any chance?"

Karen cringed. "Yeah, he was a real character."

Clint laughed. "A _character_? That's very diplomatic. What did he do?"

Karen looked chagrined. "I really don't think he meant to come across as a total bigot, but..."

"Oh, hell" Clint sighed, putting his head in his hands. "Look, I know the guy, he's actually really nice, seriously...Whatever he said- I apologise. I'm certain he didn't mean any of it how it sounded."

"Yeah, he apologised too. Voluminously. It was all just awkward. Really, really awkward."

"Yeah, he's a rube" Clint explained.

Karen burst out laughing, and covered her face with her hands. "A _rube_? I thought you were a friend of his!" she giggled.

"I calls 'em like I sees 'em." Clint said, smiling. "No, he really is a good guy, just a little socially awkward."

Karen rolled her eyes, then smiled and laughed again.

"So, how can I smooth things over?" Clint asked. "Prove to you that I'm the _cool_ friend?"

"Uh..." Karen thought. "How about a song and dance? Yeah! Serenade me!"

The smile dropped of Clint's face "That is not going to make a pleasing impression! On anyone... ever" he complained.

Karen folded her arms in mock-defiance. "Song. Dance. Now."

"You have a very particular idea of how this is supposed to go, don't you?" Clint said. He stood up and took off his jacket. "Look, I don't sing, but how about I give you a little bit of a lap dance? Will that win me your vote and patch things up?"

Karen burst out laughing. "You are doing _so much_ better than the last guy!"

... … …

_Author's note: Mental image of Clint giving a lap dance? You're welcome ;)_


	8. Into the Lair of the Black Widow

**_Hawkeye _vs._ The Black Widow!_**

"The hell?" Clint screamed. "Get out!"

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "You're in _my_ room. _You_ get out."

Clint stared at her, slack-jawed, and then made a move to open the door.

"What, are you going to stand in the hall for six minutes?"

"Yep." Clint said, still facing the door. "What in the name of Satan's testicles are you doing here?" he demanded.

"Sit down and I'll tell you."

Clint turned and stared calmly at her. She was smiling at him in a way that made him instinctively reach for his knife. Which he wasn't wearing... he swore under his breath, and moved to sit.

"This is just like Churchill all over again."

Clint froze, his eyes darting around the room "Why? Are you planning to throw a polar bear at me?"

Natasha gave an easy laugh. "No. And in my defence, the bear wasn't injured. Actually, I think he kinda' liked it."

"You are deranged. And what the hell are you doing? I brought Steve here to- Jesus!" Clint suddenly cried. "This is why he looked so freaked out a minute ago. Nat, what did you do to him?"

"Nothing" Natasha said defensively. "We talked. Like reasonably normal people."

Clint was silent, letting his rising eyebrows do the talking.

"It was good. We just talked. It was good practice. For him. The man has courage under fire, I'll give him that."

Clint shook his head. "One night. We take _one night_ off from the team, from the crazy that is our lives, and here you are, barnstorming our event. You are... _shameless_!"

"Someone has to look out for him, and clearly you're not doing a very good job of it. You say you brought him along to meet women- but this is all just for _your_ ego. And that's fine, Clint. Ego it up. Just don't drag Steve into it."

Clint stared hard at her. "Do you have a crush on Captain America?"

"No."

"Then why do you think he needs looking after?"

It was Natasha's turn to stare hard at Clint. "Do you have any idea how shy that guy is?"

"He's fine!"

"No he's not. He can barely talk to women unless they're in a uniform. Do you realise he's never actually had a girlfriend, and is most likely still a virgin."

"Wait. What?"

Natasha shrugged. "Social norms were different back then. _He_ was different back then. Just because he's a brave son-of-a-bitch in battle doesn't mean you can throw him to the wolves here. And these chicks are wolves, trust me. We were mingling before we came in- I didn't like a single one of them for him. "

Clint considered Natasha, something cunning growing behind his eyes. "You're his fairy godmother."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Clint shook his head, a gleeful look on his face. "I thought you were here to mess with me, but no! No, this is way better. You're protecting Steve. This is... _sweet_! This is adorable! Man, wait til I tell Tony! Wait til I tell _Fury_!" Clint crowed.

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "That's it? You think you've figured out, and you're off the hook?"

"Yep" Clint said smugly.

"I got news for you, Barton... your fly is undone. Did you realise? It's all the way down. When you walked in here and sat down, I'm pretty sure I could see underwear. Or _something_."

Clint's eyes darted down, and he struggled not to take her bait.

"Have a great night." Natasha said serenely.

_Author's note: You asked for it, and here it is. I hope you're not disappointed! I wasn't sure how their interaction would go, but I'm happy it turned out like this. Also, NO idea where the polar bear thing came from, just popped into my head, so I went with it. Make of it what you will! Again, thank you for all the lovely feedback and encouragement and favouriting of the series, it means a lot to a fic writer! Obligatory disclaimer- I own nothing here, and earn nothing but praise!_


	9. Queen of Hearts

**Clint and The Nice Gal**

"Look at you; you're like _Alice in Wonderland_!" Clint commented. "I like your tights."

Rebecca laughed. "I feel like _Alice in Wonderland_."

"Hmm... but does that make me the _Mad Hatter_? Or the _Cheshire Cat_? I've been smiling at people so much tonight, I kinda' feel like a _Cheshire Cat_."

Rebecca giggled nervously "I know what you mean. It's exhausting, but, you know, in a good way" she said shyly.

"Are you Canadian? You have an accent."

"You've got good hearing!" Rebecca said, surprised. "I haven't lived there in years."

"I have an ear for that sort of things. A Canadian _eh_?...Well, I don't know" he frowned in a critical, over-exaggerated manner that made Rebecca laugh again. "You like ice hockey?"

Rebecca's eyes lit up. "Are you kidding?"

_**Rebecca's impressions-**_

**Date number:**  
#2 Clint

**First impressions:**  
… wow, he's cute. Well dressed. Nice arms. Very self-contained... Je suis intrigué!

**Things in common:**  
NHL fan, yay! And he likes boutique beer. Good taste!

**Did he make me laugh?**  
Yeah, he called me Alice in Wonderland!

**Did I make him laugh?**  
Hey, a little. He's pretty easy going.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
Yes. He makes me feel comfortable in a weird way.

**Overall impression:**  
There's more to him than meets the eye, and I would like to know what that is!

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
Yes please. We could go to a game of any sort. It would be a guaranteed good time.

_**Clint's impression-**_

**Date number:**

#11 Rebecca

**First impressions:**  
Well, she looks like another hipster with those stripy tights, ah hell. No, wait... she's smiling at me. She's just a little quirky. That's okay.

**Things in common:**  
Sports, especially ice hockey. Good taste in beer. She did archery at school... how about that?

**Did she make me laugh?**  
Little bit.

**Did I make her laugh?**  
Sure did. I have a gift.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
Yeah. She's sweet. Seems like a normal nice person. I need some normal in my life.

**Overall impression:**  
A bit shy, a bit off-beat. Would probably open up given the right setting, such as a hockey game. Then I bet she starts screaming and swearing. Fantastic!

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
I am willing to forgive her for being Canadian. And that said, gonna get some tickets to the next Rangers game. That'll be a hell of a time!

… … …

_Author's note: This is dedicated to the real Rebecca, who is neither Canadian, nor a CIA agent. She just has a thang for Hawkeye ;)_


	10. The Shy One

_Author's note: I somehow managed to get the chapters out of order! I apologise if it caused any confusion- this chapter should have been after Natasha, and Rebecca should have been later. I think she just got excited and jumped in too soon! Thanks for reading. Also… everyone knows sea otters are cool._

**Clint and the Shy Girl**

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm just about over small talk," Clint said pleasantly as he settled in with Sylvie.

"I agree. Small talk and being stared at," Sylvie said.

"I can face away from you, if you like. Kind of a blind date?" Clint said, pivoting on the chair away from Sylvie.

She laughed lightly, "It's okay."

"Oh, good" Clint said, turning back around. "So how about I make this easy on both of us, and instead of interrogating each other, I ask you a bunch of questions that you can answer with just one word?"

"Sounds refreshing," Sylvie stated.

"Okay" Clint rubbed his hands together and thought for a moment. "What kind of job do you do?"

"Vet" Sylvie said.

"Cool. What sort of animals do you see?"

Sylvie frowned, and then held up two fingers.

'Oh, we're playing charades now?" Clint teased. "Okay… two words?"

Sylvie rolled her eyes and nodded, "Sea otters."

"No way, that is too cool. Sea otters are beautiful."

Sylvie smiled happily and nodded.

"I bet they're naughty, too, sometimes. Do you ever get bit?"

"Yep." Sylvie said, grinning.

Clint chuckled. "Still. It could be worse. You could be cleaning lion's teeth…"

Sylvie laughed.

"All right. What else? Do you like cotton candy?"

Sylvie looked at Clint for a moment like he was crazy, and then she shrugged. "Sure."

"Do you like clowns?"

Sylvie shuddered. "No!"

"That's right. No one likes clowns, they're creepy" Clint agreed. "Chocolate or vanilla?"

"Ice cream?"

Clint nodded.

"Chocolate."

"Mexican food or Italian food?"

"Both!"

Clint grinned. "Here's a tricky one- and this is a test, so be warned. _Star Trek_ or _Star Wars_?"

Sylvie frowned thoughtfully. "_Star Trek_."

Clint stared at her. "Really? _Really?_"

Sylvie nodded. "Spock," she added matter-of-factly.

"Yoda!" Clint cried. "C'mon!"

Sylvie laughed. "Did I fail the test?" She asked.

"A little, yeah" Clint said sadly.

"Okay, well, my turn on the questions, then."

Clint chuckled lightly. "Knock yourself out."

"Okay," Sylvie said thoughtfully. "What kind of work do you do?"

"Government."

"Do you get to travel for your job?"

"Yes," Clint answered.

"Do you like it? Your job?"

Clint thought for a moment. "Sometimes."

"Are you good at what you do?"

"Yes."

Sylvie smiled at the decisiveness of his response.

"Do you have any pets?"

"No," Clint sighed.

"Do you always ask people really short questions?"

Clint thought for a moment, and shook his head, amused and frustrated. "I can't answer that with one word."

"Expand." Sylvie instructed.

"My colleagues think I'm the strong, silent type... but there's more to me than that. And I think there's more to you..."

"Well. Maybe you can find out sometime?" Sylvie said shyly.

"I'd really like that," Clint said with a smile.


	11. Clint vs the Bimbo

**Clint vs The Bimbo**

"Wow, another cutie. I hope you're not gonna be as uptight as the last guy," Chloe complained.

"Depends. Why was he uptight?"

"He got all freaky about me touching him and taking his photo. Like I was being weird or something. Whatevs!" Chloe said dismissively.

"Yeah, he's a little old-fashioned. I can't see any of that going over real well with him."

"What, is he, like, a friend of yours? Because you totally need to tell him to loosen up. It's against nature for a guy _that_ hot to be _that_ boring!"

Clint gazed at Chloe, unimpressed. "I'll be sure to pass that on" he drawled.

His sarcasm was lost on the woman. "I hope you're not old fashioned!" she told him.

"No. No, I'm pretty much new-fashioned."

"Yeah, you look it," Chloe said, looking him over appreciatively. "So… tell me about yourself…"

Clint gave her the usual spiel, but his heart wasn't in it. Chloe didn't seem to notice- she was far too busy playing with her phone under the table. Clint smiled to himself. He went off on a conversation tangent to see if she'd notice.

"So when they realised water-boarding wasn't going to loosen my tongue, they locked me in a room and played Miley Cyrus's _Party in the USA_ on a continuous loop for seventy-five hours. My ears started bleeding, and eventually, well, I gave them everything. All my miniature golfing secrets, the location of the treasure, the password to my Twitter account. They got it all. And I still can't hear Miley Cyrus without screaming and beating my head against a wall…" Clint drifted off.

Chloe looked up, curious. "Sorry, I got distracted for a sec. Did you just say something about Miley Cyrus?"

"Oh, I was just saying what a big fan I am," Clint said sweetly. "What's on your phone that's so much more interesting than me?"

Chloe had the grace to blush slightly. "Oh, nothing, sorry. I just got a message from a guy I used to… _see_. I think he's looking to hook up tonight. You know how it goes," she said casually, tossing her hair back over her shoulder.

"I _do_ know how it goes" Clint said conspiratorially. "You know what? You seem like the kinda' gal who doesn't play by the rules, and I like that."

Chloe smiled indulgently at Clint.

"So I'm gonna throw this down, maybe give that other guy on your phone there a run for his money. Let's just cut to the chase." He took his pen and reached across the table, taking Chloe's hand. He very carefully wrote a series of digits across her palm.

Chloe's grin increased, and she looked extremely pleased with herself.

"Call me" Clint said, with a smirk and a wink.

"I just might" Chloe said saucily.

Clint waited until he was out of the room before he allowed himself a laugh.

Boy, was Nick Fury ever in for a surprise when he got a booty call from Chloe….

… …

_Author's note: I had a field day writing this one! No offence to Miley Cyrus… but I do make a valid point, nu? ;) Obligatory disclaimer: These characters belong to other people; I gain nothing financially from posting these stories. Bummer._


	12. Clint and the Sagittarian

**Clint and The Sagittarian**

"I feel like we're having a staring contest," Monique said, slightly self-consciously.

"No," Clint said, shaking his head. He continued to stare.

"I should have bought eye drops, if that was the case…"

Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"A little, yeah," Monique admitted. "It's like you have x-ray vision and are checking to see what kind of underwear I've got on."

Clint laughed and softened his gaze. "I like blue. It's nice on you."

"What?" Monique cried, alarmed. She looked down at herself. "How did you know that? Seriously!"

"Woah! I was joking. I was just guessing!" Clint said quickly.

Monique laughed and smirked. "Gotcha!" she said.

Clint pursed his lips and studied her. "Ha! Very nice, yes. I walked into that one,"

he said nodding. "A sexual harassment case flashed before my eyes," he added quietly.

Monique laughed.

"I'm not meaning to be a creeper, honestly. I'm just analysing you, trying to get a picture of you that isn't based off of what you want to tell me."

"And how's that working out for you, _Sherlock_?" She asked lightly.

Clint smiled, "you'd be surprised."

"You must be a Leo," Monique guessed. "Or a Scorpio. That would explain the intensity. Hmm… I'm a Sagittarius…with a Scorpio? Ouch!"

Clint laughed easily. "No sting in my tail, I swear! I just like to look."

"Well… you may be a little direct with your eye contact, but you're certainly not the biggest weirdo I've sat through tonight…."

Clint sat forward, intrigued. "Do tell…"

"I had a foot-fetish guy early on."

"Ugh! No way!" Clint laughed.

Monique laughed, "Yep, soon as he sat down, he asked to see what kind of shoes I was wearing. Then he started asking me all the really specific questions about what kind of boots I wear, and do I get pedicures… it took me a few minutes to cotton on." She blushed slightly.

"I can go punch him, if you like?" Clint offered.

Monique laughed again. "Maybe later. After we've talked."

"Oh, I'd hit him then come straight back. Won't take me a minute," he said casually.

"Okay, maybe you do go on the _weirdo_ list," Monique mentioned.

"Just trying to help a lady," Clint said casually.

Monique laughed.

… … …

_Author's note: This is the finale! Technically, Rebecca should have been last, but I got the posting order muddled up the other day. Anyway, thank you for reading, and for sticking with the series to the end! And thank you very much to everyone who has commented or added the series to their favourites! _

_Now, stay tuned for _"Fairy Godmother with a Gun"_ aka Steve and Nat go on a date!_


	13. SoL Outtakes and Deleted Scenes!

**Speed of Life - Outtakes and deleted scenes**

_Now with added author's notes!_

_**Bunny's notes on Steve:**_

**First impressions:**  
Pleasingly tall. Good shoulders. Firm handshake. But looks like someone else picked his clothes and dressed him. Possibly still lives at home with mother?

**Things in common:**  
Impossible to say. He was not very forthcoming in the interview. Disappointing.

**Did he make me laugh?**  
At least he was smart enough to not waste time trying.

**Did I make him laugh?**  
No, he seemed very tense and unsure of himself. Not a desirable personality attribute.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
I don't think I'm his type. I think he would fare better in Greenwich Village.

**Overall impression:**  
Seemed entirely too interested in musical films. What grown man admits to loving _The Wizard of Oz_? In all likelihood a closet homosexual. That would also explain the overall look.

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
No, but I hope for everyone's sake he stops trying to fool himself and comes out of the closet eventually. Biologically desirable physical attributes- I wonder if he would consider surrogate fatherhood through sperm donation?

_Author's Note- I took this out of the original posted version as I didn't want it to seem homophobic, but as Bunny turned out to be a total bitchface anyway... this is what she thought of our lovely Captain. Pooooor Steve!_

_… … …_  
_*Warning - The following contains bad language and live seafood._

_**Natasha vs. Clint-**_

**First impressions:**  
Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. Seriously Barton, that shirt? If you're so desperate to show the ladies your _guns_, why don't you just get around shirtless and be done with it?

**Things in common:**  
Disdain and concealed weapons

**Did he make me laugh?**  
I can, and do, laugh _at_ him. Frequently.

**Did I make him laugh?**  
I made him afraid, which is so much better.

**Do I feel a connection?**  
Sometimes I'd like to connect my knee to his crotch. Today is one of those days.

**Overall impression:**  
He's trying to drag Steve down with him, but I'm not going to let him.

**Would I like to see this person again?**  
I'm stuck seeing him pretty much every day whether I like it or not.

… … …

_**Clint vs. Natasha-**_

**First impressions:**  
FUCK MY LIFE! WHY? WHY ARE YOU HERE?  
Stop spying on me, you crazy spy!

**Things in common:**  
Well, she needs therapy and now SO DO I.

**Did she make me laugh?**  
NO!

**Did I make her laugh?**  
FUCK OFF!

**Do I feel a connection?**  
Not since Budapest. You had a shot, lady, and you missed.

**Overall impression:**  
Stop cramping my goddamn style, you Russian psychopath!

**Would I like to see this person again?**

FUCK. NO!

_Author's notes: I believe it was _**Crumpled Paper Hearts**_ who asked for this addendum, she wanted to see Clint swear and flip out! Happy to oblige._

**A bit on the side**

"What are you up to tonight, Barton?" Tony asked.

"Taking one of my speed dating gals out on the town."

"Aw, isn't _lust_ grand" Tony teased. "Where are you going?"

"To the _gun _show" Clint said cockily, folding his well-muscled arms across his chest.

"There's a gun show in town?" Steve wondered aloud. "Why would you take a date to something like that?"

Tony and Clint exchanged a look.

"Make him stop talking" Clint asked.

_(later)_

Clint washed his hands and tried not to smirk at himself in the men's room mirror. He was feeling pretty pleased with life.

He'd had a delicious meal and just enough _Cheongju_ to feel relaxed, and he was enjoying some very pleasant female company.

He was also fairly certain that if he continued to play his cards right he'd be getting lucky sometime later that night.

He left the men's room, and started back through the dining area when he heard an accusatorial _"Hey, you!" _from behind him.

He didn't recognise the female voice, but he stopped, and his back tensed.

He turned at looked at the woman. She was frowning at him, and it took him a moment to place her.

"Oh. Hey." he said.

"Remember me from the speed dating night?" she said with a touch of sarcasm.

He wracked his brain "Chloe, was it?"

"That's right" She said. She walked towards him. "I can't believe that stunt you pulled, writing down your boss's phone number and saying it was _yours_."

"Frankly, I'm surprised you even noticed. You were so busy playing with your phone" Clint said, totally unapologetic.

"Whatevs" she said dismissively, rolling her eyes. "He only yelled at me for a few minutes."

"You actually spoke to him?" Clint said in disbelief. Fury was going to kill him. Or worse.

"Yeah. He was kinda' cool. Turned out okay, too" Chloe said with a smug smile.

She patted the shoulder of someone sitting at the table next to which she was standing. Clint looked down and his face nearly fell off.

Nick Fury was dressed in a dark blue silk shirt and black trousers. A black leather jacket was draped over the back of his chair. He pivoted in his chair to look at Clint.

Clint's mouth opened and closed several times, but no sound came out.

"Barton" Fury greeted him conversationally.

"Sir" Clint finally managed.

"You should try the _Sannakji_, it's very fresh" Fury commented, wrangling something with his chopsticks.

Clint looked down to see what Fury was eating, and his eyes widened. Fury was prodding something that was still moving.

"Get back on the plate, motherfucker!" he told it.

Clint swallowed nervously. "I think I'll stick to bulgogi, thanks" he said quietly.

Fury shrugged and chowed down on his octopus. Chloe beamed at Clint, and sat back down, reaching across the table to pat Fury's hand affectionately.

"Have a nice night" Fury said dismissively to Clint, fixing the other man with a look that made Clint feel like he was about to be sliced up and served on a plate.

"_Director_" he breathed, nodding to Fury. "Speed dating chick" he nodded to Chloe. He turned on his heel and casually walked away.

Once he was out of Fury's sight, he bolted.

… … …

_Author's notes: Mad props go to __**TheDreamerLady**__, she was the one who came up with Clint's line about the GUN show, after laughing solidly for about five minutes I asked if I could steal it. And __**livi16**__ had the crazy idea of Fury eating living seafood; we had quite an outrageous back-and-forth over how that would go... Very gross, and horribly cruel- neither of us endorse it. On the brighter side, Clint is probably vegetarian now._

_All that is left of this series now is the multi-chapter __**Fairy Godmother with a Gun**__. It's still a week or so off, and will be posted under its own banner, so keep an eye out. Until then, would you like a taster?_

…...

Natasha poured herself another measure of spirits as the waitress set plates of blini, shashlyk and shuba before Steve. He rubbed his hands together in anticipation and dug in. After trying a bit of everything, he looked up at Natasha and frowned.

"I'm sorry... would you like some food?" he offered.

She smirked at him and shook her head _no_, and refilled her glass, then held up the bottle.

"I'm sorry, would you like some vodka?"

Steve smiled and shook his head, and then fell upon the food with enthusiasm.

"So, what do you talk to your dance partners about when you're dancing?"

Steve sat back with a sigh and shook his head, but he was smiling slightly. "Does everyone know about that?"

"It's urban legend around the Avenger's mansion as no-one, apart from me, has actually ever seen you dance. And I refuse to confirm or deny my sightings to the others."

Steve laughed lightly "Thank you. I'd never hear the end of it from the guys."

"I think they'd be impressed, maybe a little jealous" Natasha said casually.

Steve suddenly stopped eating and looked up to stare at Natasha. "Wait a minute... what do you mean, _you've_ seen me dance? When have you seen me dance?"

"Fury had me tailing you for a while after our first mission, just to make sure you handled the aftermath of being thrust back into action." she shrugged. "I watched you in your class a few times."

Steve thought hard, and shook his head, "I had no idea. I never saw you-"

"I'm good at what I do, Cap. You should know that by now. I'm a sneaky bitch."

…...

_More soon. Love you guys!_


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